Wednesday, August 20, 2014

If Only

If Only

If I could close my eyes 
And never see your face
Or if I could forget the way 
Your hair fell on your face --
Demanding that tantalizing flip 
Which naturally came afterward. 

If I could let go of your crooked 
Smile, the corner of your mouth 
Turned up as if in contempt.
If I could never remember the way 
You held the fake cigarette 
With your teeth while you spoke.

If I could just believe the truth
Behind your lucid eyes --
That they spoke of lust not love.
If I could wake to never hear 
Your name resonate in my ears
Like a song stuck in my head.

If I could learn that you never 
Meant it when you said we'd have
Beautiful children together.
If I never loved you deeply,
Passionately and patiently,
And you said nothing in return.

If only I waited for your call and 
Gave up never knowing the truth --
I never learned how to play this game --
That you, simply got tired of me.
If only then, I may have known
How to live without you. 

© 2014 Helena Malheur 

Monday, August 18, 2014

I am loath to love you

Smooth as the slippery steps 
I climbed to search for your heart, 
Your tongue clearly knew my way. 

You've already said 
There is no need to wait. 
I listened but heard nothing. 

I am loath to love you,
To breathe when you
Don't understand my worth;

And the hours keep counting,
Backwards and forwards --
Marking my descent into the dark.

I wait for something. 
Nothing happens; and I stand
Alone, in the dark, cradling my heart. 

© 2014 Helena Malheur 

Saturday, July 26, 2014

A storm can only last so long

It's a beautiful world
Look up, look around;
Be aware of your own presence.
See the master at work;
You are the creator.
Imagine it and it will be yours.

Shapes will become clearer,
And sound more resilient
Than the winds that change
And discourage your flight.
A storm can only last so long.
The sun is waiting to rise
With your spirit, your heart.

Paint the world with love,
Punctuate your steps
With enthusiasm 
And happiness will follow.
Tip your hat to sadness;
Bid it adieu.
It's time to own your fate. 

2014 Helena Malheur 

Monday, June 9, 2014

Right Is Never Right

I heard those five words even before we met, 
Long before I watched the mist settle 
On the white lilies you planted in our backyard --
Tearing the milky fog blanketing the air.

I stood in the rain waiting for the storm. 
I never asked you to stand in the rain. 
Stay under the sun.  Sleep with the moon. 
Scoop the stars from the sky 
And throw them away; I don't need light. 

I am damp as the grass beneath my feet, 
Long after the rain subsided; 
Bones soaked in melancholia, 
Even you can't wring it out of me.

But she, the little lily white bud, bathing in your sun --
She must look up at you, in awe,   
With her big green eyes and dark brown hair. 
I imagined her, ever since I saw the moon light 
Seep through the moss covered trees in your front yard.

And I still refuse to listen to the right voices singing 
The right songs. I listen to your voice. 
I listen to those five little words that sunk a ship. 
"I don't love you anymore."

Because wrong is so right it feeds on denial,
Like a parasite. and right is never right in the wrong light.
In this cricket hour, the remembering hour,
I must forget to remember regret; and once more, 
Abandon a girl more malleable than me. 

P.H.

© 2014 Helena Malheur 

Monday, May 26, 2014

Let Go

Leap fearlessly into the green horizon.
Take a deep breath and feel the brevity
Of this melancholy hour; the battle
Will be over soon, as soon as you let go. 
Let go, because mutiny against reality is futile.
Let go of absurd conjectures of possibility.
Life is happenstance; it is a wonderers paradox.
Let it be erect in its truth, its horror. 

2014 Helena Malheur 

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Forget my heart, my song

Seduced by the charms of hope, 
I, dressed like a clown, skipped my heart
Into another beautiful lie -
A wonderfully exquisite lie!

And as the stars rest upon my face, I wish, 
The night would lull me to sleep in peace,
To forget, to seek nothing and need
Nothing of this absurdity, this life. 

No, never-mind despair, its never far; 
Yet its eager to retreat into its cave. My will 
Does not abide by the rules of my heart.
It is the possibility of your return that it fears. 

Let these words of love, these gravid words
Stuck in the back of my throat, inherit 
From my despair, the need to depart;
Let it be so, that you forget my heart, my song. 

© 2014 Helena Malheur 
P.H.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

When Dusk Departs

The moon hangs, watching us 
With casual curiosity, its pale blue light 
Peeking through trees ornamented with moss.
Breeze scented with honey suckle
Tosses your hair, my dress.
My heart undulates with lithe clouds 
Dancing over your lips --
The dizzying aroma of coffee and 
Strawberries lingering on your breath;
I drift into your mesmeric gaze. 

Palpable heat hovers in the air
While the night sways with music; 
The silvery rhythm invades my limbs, 
Frees my voice to speak the truth.
You have unearthed my gullible skin
Leaving behind infinite reveries 
Of unquelled yearnings for love.
My fears and doubts forgotten,
I long to rest my pride at your feet.

But I feel your mind retreat, as if 
To escape the noise of the past. 
I watch as a look of disdain barges
Upon your face; I know this look, I fear it. 
I have to believe this is not your heart speaking.
And so, my heart and I lay against your chest  
Unfettered by tomorrow's qualms. 
And when dusk departs, I will 
Sit quietly with my dwelling heart,
Imagining the trees, the honey suckle breeze,
Our fervent breaths, and your topaz gaze 
Shimmering in the light of the moon. 

© 2014 Helena Malheur 
P. H. 

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Say What You Mean

Tell me everything;
There is nothing crueler 
Than ambiguity.
Say what you mean. 
Tell me your wants,
Your needs, your fears --
I promise I will not abuse it. 

Say what you mean.
Tell me everything,
Because I will give you 
Everything.
I will give you 
Every ounce of me.

Don't make me guess 
Your unsaid words 
Or decipher your looks 
And coded lines.
Say what you mean.
Say everything, say nothing,
But never tell me lies.

Say what you mean.
Don't make me wait;
That is even crueler.
There are no contests,
No winners or losers.
Dream of love with me.

© 2014 Helena Malheur

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Happiness Is

Happiness is to see you,
To feel your hands around my face,
Your eyes holding my gaze for
Longer than I remember to breathe;
It is to sense fragility in your eyes.

Happiness is to hear you,
To hear my heart rising and falling,
Its fast rhythm pulsating 
With the sound of your voice;
It is to never need to speak. 

Happiness is to feel you,
To be nestled in the curves 
Of your arms, the strands of my hair
Stretched out on your chest;
It is to be in the comfort of silence.

Happiness is to know you,
To trust your heart, to be brave 
Enough to say I am yours. It is
To have you as my waking thought 
And my goodnight kiss.

© 2014 Helena Malheur



Thursday, March 13, 2014

What Could Have Been

I have always lived inside.
Once, I dared to go outside, 
knowing you'd slip in, unnoticed --
colorless as the air you drew 
from my lips when we kissed.

But I imagine more than I see;
I imagine truth where there are lies 
and lies where there are truths.
And I'm too terrified to trust my eyes.

So I ran to a familiar place; now,
I'm tucked inside my hollow cave, 
crowded by silence and 
suffocating from too much air.

Yet, I feel safe in my sadness.
because I know how to live with it;
It has been my companion for years.
And I couldn't outlive another betrayal.

Still, you skulk around my mind 
stirring nostalgia and regret, 
for having abandoned 
what could have been true.

You'd flung open my heart
before I knew yours.
I sit here, a quiet coward,
waiting to forget you. 

© 2014 Helena Malheur
M.W.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

If

If I wanted to be needed,
It isn't to be the object of desire;
It isn't hard to be lusted after.

But if I surrendered to lust
It isn't that I lived to be sinful;
It is because I was derailed.

If I needed to know someone 
Who needed to know me,
It does not make me a dreamer.

And for he who can make my heart 
Play rhythms I cannot pronounce,
I will forever long to be the one.

© 2014 Helena Malheur

Saturday, February 8, 2014

I Am Human

They say light illuminates the truth.
But it is in the shadows, it is in the gray 
That one’s truth and character are tested.
Maybe the sun smiles at the lack of wisdom,
Like people smile for no reason;
They smile, smiles shrouded in veiled sentiments,
Hiding their disinclination for the unfamiliar –
Like animals inspecting their quarry.
I do not wish to be normal
(even if conforming is smarter).
I am a dreamer for believing that I
Can change the world
One action at a time -- 
(perhaps I have a touch of grandiosity).
Either way, I know it is a passing ill. 

And I will carry labored hours,
In nights longer than tangential sermons
Of elderly aunts;
Awake in the wee hours of darkness,
Whimsy nearer my bones than my heart,
I ask and answer maddening questions.
I have lost the world in sixty minutes
And claimed to have found it
(hiding under my pillow).
I have reached the end of the world at midnight,
Returned to the beginning 
To find that the world is round, after all 
(to my bitter disappointment).
And no one will dare to break my heart;
But sometimes, I want it broken
Just so I can feel something and know
I am human.

© 2014 Helena Malheur