Wednesday, December 1, 2010

whispers of fidelity

I did not utter a single word,
yet you knew my silence
more than I knew your love.
You stayed in that gloomy den
awaiting daylight while sifting
through the masks and guises
I wore; I was a naked stalk
covered in a stone shell,
afraid to bear fruit --
till your eyes’ whispers of
fidelity cast out the fleshless fear
and doubt dwelling in my heart.

2010 Helena Malheur

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NOTE:  Thank you for taking the time to stop by my blog. I'd appreciate it if you could leave a comment, but make it an honest one; I am not fragile. I'd like some constructive criticism if you can oblige, since I am trying to better the quality of my writing.

One Shot Wednesday: week22 at One Stop Poetry - Where Poets, Writers and Artists Meet.

18 comments:

  1. Such sadness here, a powerful, yet elegant unleash of emotion, feelings of neglect - your words lend the image power. Seems an all-too-familiar touch of longing, regret. A talented out-pour, I really did like the imagery you provided here.

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  2. Thank you, Chris. I appreciate your in-depth analysis and comment. Very kind of you. I was just reading yours. Loved your write very much -- "Funeral for Reason" - quite simple yet deep.

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  3. the opening line is really strong and sets the tone...the only line i struggled with was til your eyes whispers...seems there either needs to be a possessive (which is the way i read it) on the eyes...and i am wondering why there are quotes around til your eyes...i dunno...smiles.

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  4. Great word choice - subtle alliteration - hone those skills, cuz you got 'em.

    Why is it all centered?

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  5. Brian,
    Thank you. I used 'till instead of until or just till -- that might be confusing. They do look like quotes, but they were not meant to be. (eyes' is supposed to be possessive) I will change 'till to till. I appreciate your input and your lovely comment. :)

    Ollie,
    Thank you for your kind comment. It is centered no more! :)

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  6. i loved how you start this - it's powerful and resonates within me
    ..you knew my silence
    more than I knew your love..

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  7. It started off as a sad state of affairs, but found redemption in the end. Nice!

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  8. This brought tears to my eyes, it so reminded me of my earlier self, and of one who took the time to page through my deep silences.

    ...I was a naked stalk
    covered in a stone shell,
    afraid to bear fruit


    A beautiful write.

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  9. Claudia,
    I appreciate the comment and glad you found it to be resonant.

    Eric,
    thank you for the kind comment.


    Gospelwriter,
    That is so kind of you -- I am glad you found it to be evocative. I write from the heart and when I get a reaction like yours, it means a great deal. Thank you very much!

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  10. This is beautiful, sad and full of emotion.

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  11. Helena, as much as I am open to offering critique (it's valuable to me as well) I truly cannot think of anything that would make this better. You elicit a strong emotional response and your imagery is delicious. It's like a poetic striptease.

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  12. I'm still new at writing myself and struggles with every post so I may not be able to give a sound advice.But I love your piece.

    Sadness and longing.And then,hope!Like a journey in the dark and finally finding some light.Like Victoria,I don't see a flaw!

    Beautiful one shot,Helena.Was a privilege to read this!

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  13. liv2write2day -- "poetic striptease" haha, nice one! Thank you for the kind compliment.

    booguloo -- thank you!

    June_Butterfly -- "sadness and longing then hope" yes! It's great when one can communicate effectively through a piece of writing, so your critique is valuable. I suppose we are all learning -- in varying degrees but learning just the same. Thank you for the kind comment and compliment. I appreciate your input.

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  14. What an exquisite way to express fear... I have been there, I can see my old self in your lines :

    cheers

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  15. I can identify this. The fear, the hurt, the wounds...

    retrieval

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  16. I loved this one...

    ॐ नमः शिवाय
    Om Namah Shivaya
    Twitter: @VerseEveryDay
    Blog: http://shadowdancingwithmind.blogspot.com

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I welcome constructive critisism; I am not fragile so go for it -- tell me what you really think!