Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Suffused in Sunshine

A subtle smile appears 
Across my face
Throughout the day;
I needn't a reason 
Other than 
Thoughts of you. 
I steal time with you 
At work, at lunch, the store...
Anywhere and everywhere 
I'm able to daydream.

It is as though 
I am suffused in sunshine
Despite the rain and clouds.
You'll find me reminiscing 
Over vivid moments --
The delicate nature 
Of your touch,
Your fingers tracing
My back, my shoulders, 
Your eyes fixed on mine.

I think about your kiss;
The way you hold me,
Nearer than 
I remember being held.
I think about your smile 
And how your laughter 
Transforms you into a boy.
I think about your eyes;
Even you can't tell me
What color they are.

And I, long to breathe the air
Expelled from your lips
While we sleep --
Our bodies intertwined,
Not a sliver of space 
Between us;
I crave the electric joy  
That surges through me
When I open my eyes
To find you next to me. 

© 2013 Helena Malheur

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


Can you hear it -
the quiet creeping in
beneath the streets?

Trees stand alone
casting long shadows;
silence echoes
in the hollow street.

I watch a spider squirm
trapped in its own web;
It asks me for mercy.

How am I to give mercy 
when I haven't accepted it? 

© 2013 Helena Malheur

Friday, September 27, 2013

The Present

Anticipation is a drug, 
lifting me higher and higher 
with every minute, every hour,
I wait for you. 

The present is reality
glaring at me with sobering eyes;
it warns my heart to step lightly. 
It reminds me never to forget
other times like this.

But, when I see you, things are easy.
There is no past, no future.
There is only the present. And we
know how to live in the moment.

I carry you with me, 
after you go, leaving behind 
the faint scent of your cologne; 
it is even more apparent  
when the breeze tosses my hair.

© 2013 Helena Malheur

Friday, September 20, 2013

You and I

You and I,
We were extraordinary --
We were unstoppable;
But we left our doors ajar
And the world barged in.

We carried on   
Treading on a tightrope 
A disillusioned life --
One that was not to be or
Perhaps, it needed not to be. 

We were bystanders  
as despite and devotion 
Coexisted as one --
Perplexed by one another,
Yet insisting on one another.

Perception and reality
Converged and diverged
With each action and reaction,
Stretching the bounds 
Of our fidelity
Until it was no more.

© 2013 Helena Malheur

Thursday, September 19, 2013

I Am None the Wiser

I loathe fate 
for it has fondled
my heart 
in unconscionable ways.

Age has not done me
any great justice either.
I am none the wiser 
than when I was a toddler.

I speak semi-eloquently
and can hold my liquor;
I doubt that qualifies
as anything significant. 

I love restlessly
and hope endlessly.
The cycle never stops. 
Like a drunken rat in a maze
I never arrive at the prize.

© 2013 Helena Malheur  

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Know the Unknowable

Is your heart un-breakable?
Can I count on it 
to be gentle and kind  (even at your worst)?
Can I know it,  admire it -
Can I depend on its fidelity?

I would let you see me
if I could believe you will;
believe that if I let go
of reluctant sentiments
I may be free to be free.  

Is your love undoubtable?
Can I feel the fire burn
without fear it'll burn out?
Can I see it, hear it, 
trust it with certainty? 

I would let you love me
if I could believe you will;
believe that if I learned
to be and to breathe,
I may know the unknowable. 

© 2013 Helena Malheur  

Friday, September 13, 2013

I Don't Know Your Voice

I don't know your voice.
I know the depth of your gaze,
the resonance of your touch,
the linger of your kiss.

You are perfectly awkward
and sly in corridors; you're
ever so present, tender,
in singular moments;

still, you are absent
as the sun after dusk.

And though I am one who
practices guarded abandon
to near perfection,
it is no match for your sway.

I felt my power dissolve  
in a solitary moment -
an unspoken moment -
where you held our ground.

Now, I sift through this urge
to hear your words, to feel
the temperate climate
under your chest, to listen

to your breathing
in sleepless, unforgiving nights.

I wait, clutching dreams
with enough fantasies and fears 
to begin and end
a hundred love affairs.

I shall learn to forget you
when the moon goes home.

© 2013 Helena Malheur

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Doubt Wins

in silence;
doubt settles
like dew at dawn,
sweating on everything.
But, the need to be sought
is grander than the frustration
of betraying one’s own thoughts.
Hope rides along, reluctantly;
it aims to mollify a fixation,
submitting to an impulse,
an itch. It always ends
with a balancing act
of love and life
in unrest.

 © 2013 Helena Malheur 

Friday, August 30, 2013

Life Lived on My Terms

If I had a dream, I’d dream
I am still, silent as the night.
Dawn’s always approaching;
it comes 'round with a life
too fast to be seen, heard, or felt.

And living has become a frill –
for those who don’t do
something worthwhile.
And regret looks on   
from a not too distant future,
wagging its finger in caution.

I want to live for moments;
but there are moments
which stalk the memory –
replaying like viral images –
and there are those which vanish.

The vanishing sort,
are the ones I wish I could keep;
but it has never been up to me.

I want to believe that time is an illusion –
a momentary ill that can be cured.
I want to taste this bitter sweet world,
and feel comfort in the calm
of a life lived on my terms.  

© 2013 Helena Malheur  

Friday, August 23, 2013

Blue Hues

I’m surrounded by blue hues –
even bluer than the heart I carry.
Of all the hues, his blue
is the one I know the most.

One furtive dalliance
after another –
imaginary as they may be –
have fogged my awareness.  

I hang onto vague gestures,
dangling on the edge of
right and wrong.
I remain a victim of happenstance.  

© 2013 Helena Malheur

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Free From an Ordinary Feeling

The incandescence of innocence
clouded in inhalations of smoke;
A narrowing room, a sinking ceiling
fingertips retreating under palms
arms nearer to the heart.

The perfume of death, visions  of 
musty shores, damp catacombs --
truth tangled inside a stationary tongue,
arms ever in entreaty, in yearning.

Hear the voice of God;
feel rapture elevate sound, the hues –
glistening seas, a dream  
free from an ordinary feeling.

© 2013 Helena Malheur

Sunday, January 20, 2013

It’s still too dark in here

I don't need to be desired,
nor do I seek admiring eyes;
I walk with purpose, with dignity,
as if every step is a promise
to something good – an endorsement
for a life well-preserved.   

But this path is a cruel circle;
There are no forks to ponder
or bridges to cross.

I’d never been nearer to a dream
yet felt so far from feeling elation.  
The only constant in my gut 
is the pool of angst standing silent,
steady, stagnant, and stubborn.  
It's still too dark in here.

I carry a hollow heart,
an insatiable longing.
And like an empty cave,
my core echoes, my body raw
with need for warmth –
broad shoulders and gentle arms –.

I was loved, once; but 
he stifled me out of  my own life.  
Perhaps that was not love.

© 2013 Helena Malheur

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Blue is a good color

I have yet to find a bottomless sea;
Inevitably all things float up to the surface
as if summoned by God himself.
Even the grand ocean with its vast secrets
is powerless against blemished memories.

Though God has since given me courage
to walk on this tightrope, this life, 
madness is nearer now; and it walks
not amongst the shadows lurking
behind a fate of my inheritance,

but alongside me in broad daylight. 
It lies next to me as I fall asleep
and talks nonsense in the middle of the night.
It burrows my ever longing heart
widening the wounds that fester inside.

No matter, I shall take its outstretched hand
and walk forward, not a step missed,
nor a whimper uttered out of my pale lips.
Blue is a good color;
it was my father’s color and now it shall be mine. 

© 2013 Helena Malheur