Suffused in Sunshine

A subtle smile appears 

Across my face

Throughout the day;

I needn't a reason 

Other than 

Thoughts of you. 

I steal time with you 

At work, at lunch, the store...

Anywhere and everywhere 

I'm able to daydream.

It is as though 

I am suffused in sunshine

Despite the rain and clouds.

You'll find me reminiscing 

Over vivid moments --

The delicate nature 

Of your touch,

Your fingers tracing

My back, my shoulders, 

Your eyes fixed on mine.

I think about your kiss;

The way you hold me,

Nearer than 

I remember being held.

I think about your smile 

And how your laughter 

Transforms you into a boy.

I think about your eyes;

Even you can't tell me

What color they are.

And I, long to breathe the air

Expelled from your lips

While we sleep --

Our bodies intertwined,

Not a sliver of space 

Between us;

I crave the electric joy  

That surges through me

When I open my eyes

To find you next to me. 

© 2013 Helena Malheur

L.A.

Mercy

Can you hear it -

the quiet creeping in

beneath the streets?

Trees stand alone

casting long shadows;

silence echoes

in the hollow street.

I watch a spider squirm

trapped in its own web;

It asks me for mercy.

How am I to give mercy 

when I haven't accepted it? 

© 2013 Helena Malheur

The Present

Anticipation is a drug, 

lifting me higher and higher 

with every minute, every hour,

I wait for you. 

The present is reality

glaring at me with sobering eyes;

it warns my heart to step lightly. 

It reminds me never to forget

other times like this.

But, when I see you, things are easy.

There is no past, no future.

There is only the present. And we

know how to live in the moment.

I carry you with me, 

after you go, leaving behind 

the faint scent of your cologne; 

it is even more apparent  

when the breeze tosses my hair.

© 2013 Helena Malheur

You and I

You and I,

We were extraordinary --

We were unstoppable;

But we left our doors ajar

And the world barged in.

We carried on   

Treading on a tightrope 

Living 

A disillusioned life --

One that was not to be or

Perhaps, it needed not to be. 

We were bystanders  

as despite and devotion 

Coexisted as one --

Perplexed by one another,

Yet insisting on one another.

Perception and reality

Converged and diverged

With each action and reaction,

Stretching the bounds 

Of our fidelity

Until it was no more.

© 2013 Helena Malheur

J.B.

I Am None the Wiser

I loathe fate 

for it has fondled

my heart 

in unconscionable ways.

Age has not done me

any great justice either.

I am none the wiser 

than when I was a toddler.

I speak semi-eloquently

and can hold my liquor;

I doubt that qualifies

as anything significant. 

I love restlessly

and hope endlessly.

The cycle never stops. 

Like a drunken rat in a maze

I never arrive at the prize.

© 2013 Helena Malheur  

Know the Unknowable

Is your heart un-breakable?

Can I count on it 

to be gentle and kind  (even at your worst)?

Can I know it,  admire it -

Can I depend on its fidelity?

I would let you see me

if I could believe you will;

believe that if I let go

of reluctant sentiments

I may be free to be free.  

Is your love undoubtable?

Can I feel the fire burn

without fear it'll burn out?

Can I see it, hear it, 

trust it with certainty? 

I would let you love me

if I could believe you will;

believe that if I learned

to be and to breathe,

I may know the unknowable. 

© 2013 Helena Malheur  

I Don't Know Your Voice

I don't know your voice.

I know the depth of your gaze,

the resonance of your touch,

the linger of your kiss.

You are perfectly awkward

and sly in corridors; you're

ever so present, tender,

in singular moments;

still, you are absent

as the sun after dusk.

And though I am one who

practices guarded abandon

to near perfection,

it is no match for your sway.

I felt my power dissolve  

in a solitary moment -

an unspoken moment -

where you held our ground.

Now, I sift through this urge

to hear your words, to feel

the temperate climate

under your chest, to listen

to your breathing

in sleepless, unforgiving nights.

I wait, clutching dreams

with enough fantasies and fears 

to begin and end

a hundred love affairs.

I shall learn to forget you

when the moon goes home.

© 2013 Helena Malheur

L.A.

Doubt Wins

Fear

brews

in silence;

doubt settles

like dew at dawn,

sweating on everything.

But, the need to be sought

is grander than the frustration

of betraying one’s own thoughts.

Hope rides along, reluctantly;

it aims to mollify a fixation,

submitting to an impulse,

an itch. It always ends

with a balancing act

of love and life

in unrest.

Doubt

wins. 

 © 2013 Helena Malheur 

Life Lived on My Terms

If I had a dream, I’d dream

I am still, silent as the night.

Dawn’s always approaching;

it comes 'round with a life

too fast to be seen, heard, or felt.

And living has become a frill –

for those who don’t do

something worthwhile.

And regret looks on   

from a not too distant future,

wagging its finger in caution.

I want to live for moments;

but there are moments

which stalk the memory –

replaying like viral images –

and there are those which vanish.

The vanishing sort,

are the ones I wish I could keep;

but it has never been up to me.

I want to believe that time is an illusion –

a momentary ill that can be cured.

I want to taste this bitter sweet world,

and feel comfort in the calm

of a life lived on my terms.  

© 2013 Helena Malheur  

Blue Hues

I’m surrounded by blue hues –

even bluer than the heart I carry.

Of all the hues, his blue

is the one I know the most.

One furtive dalliance

after another –

imaginary as they may be –

have fogged my awareness.  

I hang onto vague gestures,

dangling on the edge of

right and wrong.

I remain a victim of happenstance.  

© 2013 Helena Malheur

Free From an Ordinary Feeling

The incandescence of innocence

clouded in inhalations of smoke;

A narrowing room, a sinking ceiling

fingertips retreating under palms

arms nearer to the heart.

The perfume of death, visions  of 

musty shores, damp catacombs --

truth tangled inside a stationary tongue,

arms ever in entreaty, in yearning.

Hear the voice of God;

feel rapture elevate sound, the hues –

glistening seas, a dream  

free from an ordinary feeling.

© 2013 Helena Malheur

It’s still too dark in here

I don't need to be desired,

nor do I seek admiring eyes;

I walk with purpose, with dignity,

as if every step is a promise

to something good – an endorsement

for a life well-preserved.   

But this path is a cruel circle;

There are no forks to ponder

or bridges to cross.

I’d never been nearer to a dream

yet felt so far from feeling elation.  

The only constant in my gut 

is the pool of angst standing silent,

steady, stagnant, and stubborn.  

It's still too dark in here.

I carry a hollow heart,

an insatiable longing.

And like an empty cave,

my core echoes, my body raw

with need for warmth –

broad shoulders and gentle arms –.

I was loved, once; but 

he stifled me out of  my own life.  

Perhaps that was not love.

© 2013 Helena Malheur

Blue is a good color

I have yet to find a bottomless sea;

Inevitably all things float up to the surface

as if summoned by God himself.

Even the grand ocean with its vast secrets

is powerless against blemished memories.

Though God has since given me courage

to walk on this tightrope, this life, 

madness is nearer now; and it walks
not amongst the shadows lurking

behind a fate of my inheritance,

but alongside me in broad daylight. 

It lies next to me as I fall asleep

and talks nonsense in the middle of the night.

It burrows my ever longing heart

widening the wounds that fester inside.

No matter, I shall take its outstretched hand

and walk forward, not a step missed,

nor a whimper uttered out of my pale lips.

Blue is a good color;

it was my father’s color and now it shall be mine. 

© 2013 Helena Malheur