Life Lived on My Terms

If I had a dream, I’d dream

I am still, silent as the night.

Dawn’s always approaching;

it comes 'round with a life

too fast to be seen, heard, or felt.

And living has become a frill –

for those who don’t do

something worthwhile.

And regret looks on   

from a not too distant future,

wagging its finger in caution.

I want to live for moments;

but there are moments

which stalk the memory –

replaying like viral images –

and there are those which vanish.

The vanishing sort,

are the ones I wish I could keep;

but it has never been up to me.

I want to believe that time is an illusion –

a momentary ill that can be cured.

I want to taste this bitter sweet world,

and feel comfort in the calm

of a life lived on my terms.  

© 2013 Helena Malheur  

Blue Hues

I’m surrounded by blue hues –

even bluer than the heart I carry.

Of all the hues, his blue

is the one I know the most.

One furtive dalliance

after another –

imaginary as they may be –

have fogged my awareness.  

I hang onto vague gestures,

dangling on the edge of

right and wrong.

I remain a victim of happenstance.  

© 2013 Helena Malheur

Free From an Ordinary Feeling

The incandescence of innocence

clouded in inhalations of smoke;

A narrowing room, a sinking ceiling

fingertips retreating under palms

arms nearer to the heart.

The perfume of death, visions  of 

musty shores, damp catacombs --

truth tangled inside a stationary tongue,

arms ever in entreaty, in yearning.

Hear the voice of God;

feel rapture elevate sound, the hues –

glistening seas, a dream  

free from an ordinary feeling.

© 2013 Helena Malheur

It’s still too dark in here

I don't need to be desired,

nor do I seek admiring eyes;

I walk with purpose, with dignity,

as if every step is a promise

to something good – an endorsement

for a life well-preserved.   

But this path is a cruel circle;

There are no forks to ponder

or bridges to cross.

I’d never been nearer to a dream

yet felt so far from feeling elation.  

The only constant in my gut 

is the pool of angst standing silent,

steady, stagnant, and stubborn.  

It's still too dark in here.

I carry a hollow heart,

an insatiable longing.

And like an empty cave,

my core echoes, my body raw

with need for warmth –

broad shoulders and gentle arms –.

I was loved, once; but 

he stifled me out of  my own life.  

Perhaps that was not love.

© 2013 Helena Malheur

Blue is a good color

I have yet to find a bottomless sea;

Inevitably all things float up to the surface

as if summoned by God himself.

Even the grand ocean with its vast secrets

is powerless against blemished memories.

Though God has since given me courage

to walk on this tightrope, this life, 

madness is nearer now; and it walks
not amongst the shadows lurking

behind a fate of my inheritance,

but alongside me in broad daylight. 

It lies next to me as I fall asleep

and talks nonsense in the middle of the night.

It burrows my ever longing heart

widening the wounds that fester inside.

No matter, I shall take its outstretched hand

and walk forward, not a step missed,

nor a whimper uttered out of my pale lips.

Blue is a good color;

it was my father’s color and now it shall be mine. 

© 2013 Helena Malheur